Peers out of her cave, 1 year later…

Green Ultra

Green Ultra 25k March 2018

Well, it’s been a proper year since I DNS’d my 50 Miler at Rocky Raccoon. I’ve mourned. I’ve eaten my emotions, I’ve felt not-enough, I’ve murdered my own confidence, and I’ve very sufficiently lost myself. And that stops now.

Sometimes, you have to send out a hail Mary, so here is mine. I’m going to run the 50k at the Green Ultra, put on by First Light Racing. 

So, how did I get here? How did I go almost a full year without finishing a major race, gain 15lbs, quit my coach, and given up on what makes me who I am? It’s easy. I did it to myself. I punked myself out, and felt unworthy. I allowed that unworthiness to fester. I probably blamed others, and made excuses for my sudden lack of training after the DNS. I got scared. My impostor syndrome did not creep in; It boarded this ship like those Pirates in that Tom Hanks movie… Fake Lisa took over, told me she was real, and that she was the captain now. And I fucking let her. This decision systematically broke me down.

Remember the year I had? I was accepted to be a TROT Ambassador. I love TROT and the entire group, but because I had lost my running mojo, I never allowed myself to truly feel part of the team. That is my fault, and no one else’s. I hid at races, too afraid to engage with runners I saw as super elite compared to me. In effect, I did everything that Ambassadors are supposed to help people AVOID.

I had the single coolest, kindest, most understanding running coach in the history of ever, and I broke up with her, because I couldn’t justify the expense when I wasn’t putting in the effort. This decision spiraled into allowing myself to fully and completely give up on running.

Last year, I PR’d my 5k time by A LOT… like, 5 mins or something. I was faster, leaner, more confident than I’ve been my entire life, and I just let it all go. Over one race.

But it wasn’t one race. As you read in my previous posts, that race was supposed to be a cleansing after a shit few weeks, shit year, and shit experiences. You see, I was using running like a drug. When it failed me (I failed it), I was angry. I didn’t have the energy to fight anything anymore, so I sank into mediocrity. I used excuses like, “I need to be a more present mom”, “I should be around my family more”, etc. to allow myself the right to quit on my dreams. I hid behind a veil of normalcy, forgetting every lesson that running has taught me, and the process made me hate myself more and more.

So, today, I quit. I quit quitting, and I quit excuse-ing, and I quit lying to myself. I’ve signed up for a 50k that I will most likely have to really suffer through just to finish, and that is ok. The suffering is what I miss, and I know that finish will reignite a flame I miss dearly. I know I’ll find myself in the woods, because I always do. I know my husband will understand my time away, and be proud of me. He always is. I know being a trail runner makes me a better mom, and I know I owe these crazy adventures to myself, and to the people in my life. And I know that I am not ready, and that is what makes it beautiful.

Thighs out

Because look at these damn thighs… I want them back!

 

5 thoughts on “Peers out of her cave, 1 year later…

  1. WELCOME BACK! Reading this makes me want to quit quitting too. Quit half-assing. All of it. I’m excited to follow your road to race day and I hope you keep sharing that with us.

    Like

  2. Just found your blog through Trail Sisters and I’m glad to hear you’re back! I love reading blogs written by active moms. I’m just getting into trail running after pretty much quitting being active after having my 2nd kid three years ago. Finally decided to get moving again last fall and am doing my first 30 km cross-country ski race this weekend (Full-on winter here!). I’m looking forward to following along with you this year.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s