Still Alive!

Reality Check: dreams are cool; goals are more difficult. Here is where I am at in all that:

Signed up for The Green Ultra 50k through First Light Racing  I’ve also been asked to be a member of their running Team (which I am in no way qualified for, but grateful and excited about!)

I’m back at the gym (D1 Sports Training) and have signed up for a Shred Program that begins 3/18/19, just two days after my 50k.

I feel mostly back to “normal”, but have also come to terms with my return to feelings of impostor syndrome, and my fear of not being enough. I’ve come to acknowledge that I overload myself in an attempt to earn the respect, love, whatever of those around me. I continue saying “yes” to too many projects, side hustles, ideas, and needs of others, because that is who I am. I will always over-extend myself. It’s what I do best. And really, that is ok.

My favorite TedX Talk is Anne Mahlum’s presentation of her program, Run the Streets. Towards the end, she says, “life is better shared”, and it’s one of those lines that has just stuck with me. I beg you to check it out on youtube. There is something about a person going after huge (ridiculous) dreams that I absolutely love. While I live my life in an effective suburban middle class box, I yearn for life bigger than that. Maybe it’s why I teach. Maybe I hope that some weird thing I say will stick with my students so much that THEY go change the world in my honor. It’s a dream worth having I think. Maybe I won’t see the Utopian garden grow, but I cast out as many beautiful seeds as possible. That was a strange metaphor, and it came out of nowhere.

Right now, as I sit here typing, my husband is asleep, my cat & dog are asleep, and my son is blissfully watching Bridge to Terabithia while snuggled against me. My mind is bouncing from his educational future, to my blog, to my side hustles (making homemade lotions, soaps, and beard oils through Perky’s Soaps Etc & tutoring at Avant Garde College Prep), to lesson planning for my actual job, to planning for engaging activities for my “other duties as assigned” parts of my actual job, to food, to the fact that I skipped my run with the mentoring group I volunteer for, to refusing to feel guilty, to totally feeling guilty. And back to my perfect kid. And the calming purr of my sleeping cat.

Do you want to know what my husband said to me today? It was perfect. Are you ready? 20190226_184354

That is ADORABLE isn’t it? And we are NOT one of those gross mushy couples. This hit me HARD today. And it’s true. I have been so in my head for over a year, and this single tiny text let me know that he sees me, and that I’m not a total crap-show of a wife. Ugh, day made. And yes, I asked him to tell me something sweet. It’s ok to ask for what you need. Men don’t read minds or pick up on hints.

So, all of this was rambly and non-sensical, and that is ok, because so is life, right? Right.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 4am to workout. I will continue doing this, and running with friends, and laughing at dumb jokes, and being ridiculous and way too busy. That’s who I am.

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